my nerves have been bad today - and i think too much.
i wonder if it is the anxiety disorder, having its merry way with me, worry about what *could* happen -- or just old fashioned irritation with things going on at work.
little light: my nephew's first halloween is today. i did not know if my brother & s-i-l would be dressing him; there are a limited number of things one can do with a child that small.
i finally decided to email and ask - got a picture back, and that boy does cute like nobody's business. makes an auntie proud...
gotta focus on the good stuff just now, and he is.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
getting my head 'round it.
in conversation with the ------ to be named later, he said today that "it sounds like you just need time to get your head 'round it a bit." he isn't wrong.
work frustrates me. i'm walking a fine line there, because i have not told them everything; just what they need to know for the moment. certainly my decision, but the consequence there is that as a 'quid pro quo' for the help i will need later - i got asked to help someone else now.
i truly do NOT have a problem with that. what i have a problem with is a mobility issue. i can't walk to where i need to walk in the time frame necessary to do this. to hopefully deal with this, i have emailed the relevant persons and said, "because of my own currently health issues, i can't possibly walk that far in that amount of time..." so i need x to be moved to y.
it is not an unreasonable request; it just galls me that i have to make it at all. in my mind, i shouldn't need that kind of accommodation. it's the kind of thing where i don't know who to yell at, or who to apologize to.
if you saw me on the street, you would not suspect that i am sick. the people i see everyday at work are beginning to realize there's a problem, and i am hoping to God that it's not the problem i think it might be.
i have come to a strange pass when i hope that "just major surgery" will deal with the problem, and it will be done. trouble seems to lurk so close that i find it hard not to borrow it.
how strange is it that i am wondering if i need to guard my words when no one knows who i am? the whole point of this (to remind myself, because saying it will hopefully help) is that saying it should help remove some of the threat. in my head, if nowhere else.
to deal with the extended work situation, i will: make it as easy as i can on myself while still getting the things i need to do accomplished. and take a nap in my new favorite chair when i need it.
work frustrates me. i'm walking a fine line there, because i have not told them everything; just what they need to know for the moment. certainly my decision, but the consequence there is that as a 'quid pro quo' for the help i will need later - i got asked to help someone else now.
i truly do NOT have a problem with that. what i have a problem with is a mobility issue. i can't walk to where i need to walk in the time frame necessary to do this. to hopefully deal with this, i have emailed the relevant persons and said, "because of my own currently health issues, i can't possibly walk that far in that amount of time..." so i need x to be moved to y.
it is not an unreasonable request; it just galls me that i have to make it at all. in my mind, i shouldn't need that kind of accommodation. it's the kind of thing where i don't know who to yell at, or who to apologize to.
if you saw me on the street, you would not suspect that i am sick. the people i see everyday at work are beginning to realize there's a problem, and i am hoping to God that it's not the problem i think it might be.
i have come to a strange pass when i hope that "just major surgery" will deal with the problem, and it will be done. trouble seems to lurk so close that i find it hard not to borrow it.
how strange is it that i am wondering if i need to guard my words when no one knows who i am? the whole point of this (to remind myself, because saying it will hopefully help) is that saying it should help remove some of the threat. in my head, if nowhere else.
to deal with the extended work situation, i will: make it as easy as i can on myself while still getting the things i need to do accomplished. and take a nap in my new favorite chair when i need it.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
i need a place where no one knows who i am.
so this is it.
i am a fairly regular mid-thirties overweight white girl. not much different from anyone else.
except for this one thing about me. or group of things. i am a medical freak. no one has ever seen "anything quite like it before." you can apply this to several malfunctions of my endocrine and reproductive systems over the last 20 some odd years.
the consistency in it is that whoever the doctor and whatever the experience, they've "never seen anything quite like it before." i've gotten used to it.
or so i thought.
last week, i had an emergency d&c for uncontrolled heavy bleeding. uterine polyps were found, as was a fibroid. they were removed, as was more tissue than should apparently exist in a 36 year old uterus. this was on wednesday.
on monday, there was a call from the doctor's office. "you don't have cancer, you don't have cancer, you don't have cancer. BUT - " [insert "oh, holy god..." here] ...bring the family into the office. we need to talk about next steps."
and indeed. it is not cancer. it ain't, however, far from it. the estimation, as i understand it, is that without surgery, i have weeks to months before the mess in my uterus/reproductive system begins the march to endometrial cancer.
and THAT - well, i haven't heard anything quite like that before. this is new ground for me, and i need an outlet where i don't scare the hell out of anyone else. this is it, internet. listen up.
i have to take four weeks of iron to build me up before i can have surgery. i think you and i have a lot of talking to do before then.
i am a fairly regular mid-thirties overweight white girl. not much different from anyone else.
except for this one thing about me. or group of things. i am a medical freak. no one has ever seen "anything quite like it before." you can apply this to several malfunctions of my endocrine and reproductive systems over the last 20 some odd years.
the consistency in it is that whoever the doctor and whatever the experience, they've "never seen anything quite like it before." i've gotten used to it.
or so i thought.
last week, i had an emergency d&c for uncontrolled heavy bleeding. uterine polyps were found, as was a fibroid. they were removed, as was more tissue than should apparently exist in a 36 year old uterus. this was on wednesday.
on monday, there was a call from the doctor's office. "you don't have cancer, you don't have cancer, you don't have cancer. BUT - " [insert "oh, holy god..." here] ...bring the family into the office. we need to talk about next steps."
and indeed. it is not cancer. it ain't, however, far from it. the estimation, as i understand it, is that without surgery, i have weeks to months before the mess in my uterus/reproductive system begins the march to endometrial cancer.
and THAT - well, i haven't heard anything quite like that before. this is new ground for me, and i need an outlet where i don't scare the hell out of anyone else. this is it, internet. listen up.
i have to take four weeks of iron to build me up before i can have surgery. i think you and i have a lot of talking to do before then.
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